


I Can't Let Go

by asunflowergarden



Series: If you want to kiss the boy [4]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bram comforts Simon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic, Panic Attacks, Sensory Overload, Trigger Warning for Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 22:33:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15374847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asunflowergarden/pseuds/asunflowergarden
Summary: "Simon", Bram spoke softly, so as to not spook him, as he had once again closed his eyes, his chest still heaving rapidly, his body shaking, "Si, I think you're having a panic attack."Simon inhaled shakily, his eyes flickering up to look at Bram, his gaze alarmed and frightened.-Simon has a panic attack at school but Bram is there to comfort him and help him through it.





	I Can't Let Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shadowmightwrite17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowmightwrite17/gifts).



> Part of Shadowmightwrite17's prompt on the last fic was:  
> "[A]nxious Simon? Also not a super common thing, at least not fics that focus specifically on anxiety. Tbh I can't imagine any way Simon got through everything that happened without having some sort of lasting anxiety."
> 
> I don't think my idea fits that prompt 100% but it did inspire me to write this fic and it's honestly a great idea.  
> @Shadowmightwrite17 thank you so much for the review and the prompts you gave me!

In hindsight, Simon's not really sure what caused him to feel like this in the first place.

It might have been the unsettling dream he'd had the night prior, of which he could remember nothing but the color red and the feeling of alarm it provoked within him.  
Or it might have been the hushed 'fairy' he overheard someone whisper at him in the hallways. Not that it'd been the first time or even the worst thing that had happened to him since Martin had outed him.

It had probably been those two events combined with a failed math test, which he had studied for all weekend that caused his stomach to churn and left him with a sour taste in his mouth.  
The feeling stuck with him all day, his mind alarmingly blank but somehow going into overdrive at the same time as he sat at lunch surrounded by his friends.  
He managed to consume about three bites of his sandwich before he thought he might throw up, the Oreos in his pocket feeling heavier by the second.

And then suddenly everything had felt like too much.   
The sound of metal forks scraping over plates felt like too much.  
Leah's shoulder barely touching his felt like too much.  
Even Bram stealing one of his fries while smiling warmly at Simon felt like too much.

Simon imagined he probably looked like a frightened animal as he stood up abruptly from their table, nearly tripping in his effort to leave the room, to leave the noise, the feeling, everything behind, to just leave, leave, leave.  
He thought he might have heard Bram calling after him but in that moment he didn't really trust his brain to process any kind of information.

He didn't even realize where his body was taking him, the noise booming in the hallways just as bad as the one within the cafeteria, but before he knew it, he found himself surrounded by aisles and aisles of books, the library blocking out the noise he seemed to fear so much until it was merely a soft background buzz.  
He sat down in the far back, hugging his legs to his chest, tears forming in the corners of his eyes and he could feel himself breathing rapidly with barely any air filling his lungs.

He closed his eyes to block out some of the sensations but was forced to open them again shortly after due to a familiar voice whispering his name.  
"Simon?", Bram's voice sounded hushed, where he crouched before Simon, concern evident on his face, his hands held up in surrender as if he didn't dare touch him in the state he was in, "Si, are you okay?"  
Simon didn't trust his voice, so he simply shook his head and dug his nails into the fabric of his jeans.

"Is it okay if I touch you?", Bram asked tentatively, but he quickly put his hands down on the ground and sat down as Simon shook his head once again, "That's fine, Si, no touching then."  
The truth was, Simon usually craved Bram's touch, his kisses, his hugs especially.  
But the sensation seemed too overwhelming right now, everything surrounding him simply too much.

"Simon", Bram spoke softly, so as to not spook him, as he had once again closed his eyes, his chest still heaving rapidly, his body shaking, "Si, I think you're having a panic attack."  
Simon inhaled shakily, his eyes flickering up to look at Bram, his gaze alarmed and frightened.

He released his pants from his harsh grasp, only to run his hands through his hair a couple of times before gripping it so tightly, it looked as though he was about to rip it from his scalp.  
He took a big gulp of air before forcing out a choked "I can't breathe" and if Bram didn't know any better, he would've guessed Simon to be drowning.  
"I know, Si, I know", Bram tried to calm him down, thinking back to the countless of times Garrett had to help him through his own panic attacks, back when they were younger.

"Si, I'm right here, okay? I'm not going to leave you alone, you know that, right?", Bram asked, focused on soothing Simon's nerves and on convincing Simon to trust him in the vulnerable state he was currently in.  
As Simon nodded ever so slightly, Bram smiled at his boyfriend softly, concern still at the forefront of his mind.

"Si, we're going to do some breathing exercises now, okay?", Bram suggested, Simon's eyes flickering around the room nervously before focusing on him, "All you need to do is follow my cue and try to do what I'm doing.", he told him before he started on the 'inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds' exercise that Garrett taught him how to use.

At first Bram didn't think it was going to work, Simon's still very rapid breathing making him question his abilities to help him but after a while, Simon's, although still shaky breaths, seemed to match his more and more and a couple of minutes later, his breath sounded normal again to the both of them.

Simon looked absolutely wrecked though, his hands still gripping his hair, albeit not as tightly as before, his gaze focused on his knees, which were shaking ever so slightly.  
"Bram?", Simon breathed out softly, "Can I have a hug?"  
In mere seconds, Bram was sitting next to Simon and holding him safely in his arms.  
One of Bram's hands was caressing Simon's hair lovingly, after having loosened Simon's grip on it, one hand then placed on Bram's thigh, the other softly intertwined with Bram's other hand.

"Is this okay?", Bram asked, not wanting to overwhelm Simon so soon after experiencing, what he figured out to have been his first panic attack.  
He could feel Simon nodding softly where his head rested in the crook of Bram's neck and then flinch harshly shortly after due to the piercing sound of their school bell ringing out to remind them of the end of their lunch break.

When Bram didn't move to get up, Simon looked up at him questioningly.  
"You'll miss class, Bram.", he whispered, his voice sounding utterly drained and tired.  
"They'll survive without me.", Bram answered quietly, his gaze meeting Simon's, his hand having descended from Simon's head to draw circles on his back, "I don't want to leave you alone."  
Simon felt exhausted but content, as he placed his head back in the crook of Bram's neck, his eyes closed and his breathing even.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a mixture of my own experiences with panic attacks and "near" panic attacks and what I've read about or heard of other people's experiences with them.  
> Obviously everyone's experiences in regards to panic attacks and anxiety are different but if I made any grave mistakes in this fic, PLEASE point them out to me, because offending anyone is the last thing I want to do.
> 
> Also: if there are any grammatical errors or mistakes language-wise, please feel free to point them out to me as well.
> 
> And lastly, if anyone has any more prompts they'd like for me to write, feel free to do so.
> 
> (The title is based on the song 'Rollercoaster' from the Love, Simon soundtrack)


End file.
